Some 'ARSICONS?'
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) an arsehole
{_!_} a swishy arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb Arse

• Släggkastning

• Förste kastare var ryssen Ivan.
  Han svingade och svingade och släggan landade 3 m över det gällande världsrekordet. Alla journalister samlades runt Ivan och undrade:
  - Hur kommer det sig att du som är från Ryssland är så grym på slägga?
  Ivan svarade:
  - Min far var släggkastare, min farfar var släggkastare och jag har fått lära mig från barnsben att i Ryssland ställer vi upp på nationen genom att bli en bra idrottsman.
  Andre man in i ringen var Bob från USA.
  Han svingade och svingade och släggan landade 4 m över det gällande världsrekordet. Alla journalister samlades runt Bob och undrade:
  - Hur kommer det sig att du som är från USA är så grym på slägga?
  Bob svarade:
  - Min far var släggkastare, min farfar var släggkastare och jag har fått lära mig från barnsben att i USA gäller det att ta chansen innan någon annan tar den och satsa på sig själv. Siste man in i ringen var Rune från Sverige.
  Han svingade och svingade och släggan landade 8 m över det gällande världsrekordet. Alla journalister samlades runt Rune och undrade:
  - Hur kommer det sig att du som är från Sverige är så grym på slägga?
  Rune svarade:
  - Min far var kommunalarbetare, min farfar var kommunalarbetare och jag har fått lära mig från barnsben att får du ett verktyg i händerna, så släng det långt åt helvete!

• AIRLINE HONESTY

What we'd really like to hear sometime

• There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...
• As the plane lands, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
• After a bumpy landing: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.
• To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child ... pick your favourite.
• Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.
• We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.
• As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. This does not include children or spouses.
• Last one off the plane must clean it up.
• We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight ...!
• After a bumpy landing: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our plane to the gate!
• Or: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.
• Or: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
• Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll choose us."

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire." The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you must not anger him..." but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't screw with him."

Blonds ofcoarse

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added,"it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Heloooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

At Hospital

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet"
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, " That was very
nice but, are...my...TEST RESULTS...back?"

Ett 'Äkta make-supervaruhus' öppnade nyligen där kvinnor kunde gå och välja en make bland många män.
Det består av fem våningar, där männens positiva egenskaper ökade ju längre upp man kom.
Den enda regeln var, när du har öppnat dörren till en våning, MÅSTE du välja en man från den våningen; om du gick upp en våning kunde du inte gå tillbaka förutom för att lämna varuhuset och aldrig komma tillbaka igen. Ett par väninnor gick till varuhuset för att hitta några äkta makar...
Första våningen: På dörren satt en skylt som sa: "Dessa män har jobb och älskar barn."Kvinnorna läste skylten och sa: "Tja, det är bättre än att vara arbetslös och inte gilla barn, men jag undrar vad som finns längre upp?".
Så de gick en våning upp.
Andra våningen: Skylten sa: "Dessa män har välbetalda jobb, älskar barn och ser extremt bra ut."Hmmm," sa damerna, "Men jag undrar vad som finns på nästa våning?"
Tredje våningen: Den här skylten sa: "Dessa män har välbetalda jobb, ser extremt bra ut, älskar barn och hjälper till med hushållsarbetet."
"Wow," sa kvinnorna, "mycket frestande." Men det fanns en våning till så de gick högre upp.
Fjärde våningen: Den här dörren hade en skylt där det stod: "Dessa män har välbetalda jobb, älskar barn, ser extremt bra ut, hjälper till med hushållsarbetet och är väldigt romantiskt lagda."
"Oh, kära nån!" utbrast kvinnorna, "Tänk bara vad som måste finnas på nästa våning!" Så de gick vidare upp till den femte våningen.
Femte våningen: Skylten på dörren sa: "Den här våningen är tom och finns bara till för att bevisa att kvinnor är helt jävla omöjliga att behaga.
Utgången finns till vänster, vi hoppas att ni ramlar i trapporna."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the
men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on earth
and the other for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want
all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are
two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100
miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was
only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only
one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them
my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
thefront door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?" I
said,  Dust?!

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the
refrigerator.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man,you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Some other fun things to check out.

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